Col.Flagg: CIA doesn't supersede anyone's orders.
Frank: Except the president's.
Flagg: Give us time.
Hawkeye: Boy, your mind's in the gutter.
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.
Frank: And, of course, the coffee is cold again.
Trapper: It's getting better. It's less purple.
Frank: Major Houlihan's father was under general McArthur in the cavalry.
Hawkeye to Trapper: Her father was a horse, did you know that?
General McArthur's aide: After lunch....
Hawkeye: ... and barfing thereof...
Frank: You are common drunks!
Hawkeye: This is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Frank: There's no place in this room for perverts!
Hawkeye: Should we all leave alphabetically?
Frank: Need some help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No, I'd rather save the patient.
General McArthur's aide: When answering, always use general's full name: "Yes, general McArthur", "No, general McArthur", "Thank you, general McArthur".
Trapper: God Almighty.
Hawkeye: Close, very close.
Potter: Hawkeye, fire that weapon!
Hawkeye (taking the gun and talking to it): You are fired. ... I did it as gently as I could.
Col.Flagg: Who is your second in command?
Trapper: Frank Burns, M.D.
Hawkeye: Maniac Depressive, it's an honorary title.
Henry: You do trust Father Mulcahy?
Hawkeye: It says I should on all my money.
Frank: Oh, what about the pig sty we live in? My part in neat and tidy, but the other two parties, who shall be nameless, live like swines.
Hawkeye (turning to Trapper): Pierce
Both (shaking hands): The Swine Brothers.
Hawkeye: We brought you some champagne.
Trapper: 15 minutes ago was a very good year!
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
Frank: 1... 2... 3... 4...
Hawkeye: Showing off for the patients again, Frank?
Henry: What am I supposed to do? He is a two-star general!
Hawkeye: But he is a three-star loonie!!
General Steele: You are insubordinate!
Gen. Steele: You are insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you are nuts!
Potter: I made Mulcahy the new garbage officer.
Hawkeye: Some men are born to garbage, others have garbage thrust upon them.
Frank: We are still at war, you know.
Hawkeye: Oh, I guess, that explains all the boom-booms.
Henry: She'll be in her own tent, I'll be in mine.
Hawkeye: Right, now if you excuse us, we'll begin digging out the tunnel.
Henry: These are captains Pierce.
Hawkeye: And these are captains McIntyre.
Nancy: You just have to be Corporal O'Reilly!!!
Radar: Yes, I guess I have to be.
Hawkeye: Cause nobody else wants to be.
Trapper: Klinger, how can you wear just a skirt in a cold like this?
Klinger: You think it's easy being a nut?
Frank: There's one of those in the camp.
Trapper: One of those?
Hawkeye: Which one of those thoses do you mean, Frank?
Henry: ....living in tents like animals.
Hawkeye: I didn't know animals live in tents.
Margaret: I don't know which one of you is more obscene.
Trapper (pointing to Hawkeye): He is. We took a poll.
General Barker: Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever goes to bed??
Radar: Only on duty, sir.
Frank: Sir, I wonder if I can say something useful.
Trapper: I've often wondered that myself.
Potter: Any other gripes?
Hawkeye: I've got my own gripes, sour gripes! I am bored bored bored bored bored.
BJ: Ahh, man overbored!
Frank: This man is Chinese!
Hawkeye: Then we'll operate with chopsticks.
Frank: It's not normal!
Trapper: What's "normal", Frank?
Frank: "Normal" is everybody doing the same thing.
Hawkeye: What about individuality, Frank?
Frank: Individuality's fine - as long as we all do it together.
BJ: Tell Cpt. Pierce what you just told me.
Sgt. Blanchard: Are you sure he is okay?
BJ: He is not okay, but you can trust him.
BJ: why don't we toast the happy couple.
Hawkeye: They are too big for our toaster.
Frank: Mmmm, with raisins!
Igor: No, sir, -- flies!
Frank: I am confining you to quarters, Klinger!
Hawkeye: I am confining you to quarters, too. Give me all your nickels and dimes.
Potter: Would somebody please change the subject.
Hawkeye: Why? Did it wet itself?
Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: North wind cesspool, east wind latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the South.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Nurse:"Can I get a hernia?"(said while trying to cram a record amount of people into a Jeep)
Hawkeye:"Of course, but rent one first to see if you really like it"
Frank: I love it here.
Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts; now I've got to figure out which one.
BJ: Surgery, Hawk
Hawkeye: Good, have my brains removed.
Radar (speaking of his temporary tattoo): It will come off when I take a bath.
Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.