-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
-Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-Procrastination is the ART of keeping up with yesterday.
-Could it be all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
-Death is caused by swallowing saliva over a long period of time.
-Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
-Have you ever noticed anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
-There are nights when the wolves are quiet and only the moon howls.
-Think off-center
-What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization
-If men evolved from monkeys and apes why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all"?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean it?
-Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-How do you get the deer to cross at the yellow road signs?
-What was the best thing before sliced-bread?
-Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-Before they invented drawing boards, where did they go back to?
-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
-If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
-How likely is it that all the people who are decribed as missing are living in a small town somewhere?
-There ought to be at least one round state.
-In England in 1830, William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad train. Wouldn't that make you feel stupid?
-There's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It's a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.
