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Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce



"Insanity is just a state of mind."
Potter: As you were!
Hawkeye: I'm always as I were, but thanks anyway.
"It's Frank's birthday, I wonder how old he is. Let's saw him in half tonight and count his rings."
"I told you the food here should not be taken internally."
"It's the first time I've seen orange juice labeled "freshly killed"."
"I can't do it, I'm not a psychiatrist. I am not screwed up enough."
Margaret: Why are you taking this road?
Hawkeye: Because they are not shelling it! I'm trying to avoid roads that are in a process of disappearing
BJ: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hawkeye: If you're thinking what I'm thinking, are you thinking of stinking?
"I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"
"My friends, some men are born great. Others achieve greatness. And others are destined to work with rats. I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified. A man who was born for this job. A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms. I give you, Major Frank Burns. Will anyone second this notion?"
Frank: "Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?"
Hawkeye: "Swill gin!?!? Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously but I have never swilled! Actually, I'm persuing my life long quest for the perfect, the absolutely dryest Martini to be found in this or any other world."
"I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment."
"I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five."
"Henry Blake is a good doctor and a pretty good Joe. As a commanding officer, well, it's a bit like being on a sinking liner, running to the bridge, and finding out that the captain is Daffy Duck."
"The fighting goes on---the hatred, the violence, the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals---then, of course, there's the war."
"Henry, your fly is closed."
"Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They're running low in the latrine."
"Remember Beej, it's your turn to milk Charles in the morning."
"If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy."
"The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off."
"You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong?"
"Come on stupid, don't play dumb with me!"
Klinger: It's green, it moves...
Hawkeye: My lunch.
"Ours not to question why, ours not to let them die."
"Listen, Colonel, um... Sherman. You can give me 100 good reasons to leave, and I can't give you one good reason to stay. Stay anyway."
"Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-mine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn."
"I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out."
"Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then --- then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naiveté, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you. Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder -- if possible, without going crazy. Period."
"Why? Why are we here? Who did it?"


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